experimental blogging 003

at some point i’ll think of a better blog name. for now it works fine.

a month and a half ago i lost my best friend. mako rolled into my life when i was a dumbass little 15 year old and stuck with me for so long, through thick and thin, whatever sort of metaphor or image you can think of. for a 16 pound pug, she’s left the biggest hole in my heart. you’d think she was an elephant.

i’m still running from a lot of my feelings about this stuff and i gotta say, it fucking sucks. but how do you confront the concept that your entire concept of “the only constant” was a little pup that had the worst breath i’ve ever smelled in my entire life? how do you do that when your pocketbook of memories lacks moments without her? you can’t remember much of your early years together, but she was always there to keep you going. when everything else failed me, mako was the light and all encompassing love that kept me sane. just a boy and their dog. i’m still a boy with a dog- freckles is absolutely incredible and i’m so thankful that we found each other. and i know i’m not looking for the new/next mako because it’s not like that. there’s only one mako and i will never be the same.

i think part of why i’ve continued to run from my sadness and grief is because the concept of really letting myself feel that empty hole, i’ll get sucked in and i won’t be able to get back out for awhile. i’ve felt a lot of things in my life but this is the worst of it and letting it be the full effect worries me. i know my support group wouldn’t let anything happen if i were to fall like that at some point. i know they’re there and they’re wonderful and they mean the universe to me. the idea of being so out of control with my emotions is a gross old shitty plant in my brain garden that i can’t seem to uproot. there are so many internalized stigmas and learned behaviors from worse times in my life that even after weekly therapy sessions (that was a thing before we lost mako in general. i’ve only missed a few weeks over the last few years) i can’t seem to chip away at it. i know how to fucking talk about all sorts of things but letting out that first dramatic sob that feels like it lasts for hours before you can inhale again is scary to me.

i ramble myself in circles and get caught up in issues that aren’t even issues; i just need something to focus on to hold it off cos i’m not ready. but at the same time i’m mad at myself for not even letting me deal with it all. this is the first time i’ve let myself say more than a few sentences about how this has been making me feel.

but mako deserves better from me. some day i’ll sift through some of these emotions and i’ll stop hiding and avoiding. i’m thankful for all the time we had together. i just wish it wasn’t so short. grief is like a blanket of bricks.

a thing that was suggested to me by my brain care team was to write down lessons that i learned from/with mako and to thank her for them. maybe that’ll help. i don’t know. i talk to her daily. i hope she still hears me.

experimental blogging 002

a conversation with myself at 3am because it only makes sense to be introspective at this hour anymore:

i feel more and more confident about deleting my old [twitter account] as time goes by because i’m able to spend less time on this stupid fucken site cos i’m not caught up in weird twitter mind games and have rebuilt boundaries for myself so it’s cool

with how batshit i’ve been feeling lately it’s good to know that i can still make good choices for myself i guess??? i feel like i’m going crazy some days but i’m still trying my best. freeing myself from my own self imposed responsibilities/expectations is a trip

like when i restarted my animal crossing save LOL i felt so much better about playing and felt in control of my experience again. remaking accounts is like cutting ties to things i’ve felt were smothering me

for as fucking miserable i have felt on top of this still going strong mixed state, i’m doing a lot and i’d rather be doing a lot than nothing at all even if this cannot even remotely be sustained

being 30 with bipolar is weird

for the record though, mixed states literally feel like a stereotypical thing of like… if you were to be power walking with your head held high but also grossly sobbing without making a sound because oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day wahoo

i don’t look or act as depressed as i can feel and it’s fucking really unnerving lmfao my emotional responses are pretty out of whack

but i also gotta say that the imposter syndrome gets to some really excessive levels of “oh no” because of all this. the mania makes me functional to a point and it’s enough to make me question if i really have problems. i question good days, i question all feelings, it sucks

this has been a very long 6 months of strange detachment from the world and myself. even when i feel like i feel nothing at all, i feel grief every day. i carry it with me, in my knees probably, at all hours. grief’s in my elbows and behind my eyes. already in mourning for my dog because i know what’s gonna happen soon. my life revolves around my girls, it’s impossible to picture my life without them.

more grief, maybe in my right hand this time. i’ve watched my best friend slowly deteriorate over the last 6 months and it’s a pain i can’t explain. but i’m thankful to have this time with her with david, freckles, and nanaki.

it’s 3am on august 23rd. it took 4 months to see that the 7 remake is out the year i lose my little mako. cloud and the gang are here again to get me through this. there’s too much to say about that game so i won’t get into it in this post, but it’s something i’ve considered diving into. thanks, cloud.

experimental blogging 001

when i think about writing up a blog post, i tend to back out by the end of it. a lot of it stems from the fact that we literally can’t do anything lately due to the pandemic. honestly, i’m just depressed and writing about being miserable doesn’t sound fun. i was more concerned with what people would want to read from me rather than what i would want to get out into the universe, so i didn’t write. plus, i gotta say, proper grammar is not my favorite thing anymore. i don’t think it ever was, but i just gotta say it. fuck capitalization homey. make your own rules!

with that said, i’m going to try some experimental things around here to get my feet back in the water. maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. i won’t know until i do it.

here’s a list of things i’ve picked up during quarantine to keep busy:

  • painting
  • bullet journaling
  • learning javascript
  • coding discord bots
  • hosting minecraft servers
  • pixel art and cross stitching
  • massive fucking depression!!!
  • better organization (i’ve done a LOT of cleaning)
  • sinking 70 hours in ffvii remake to beat it the first time

these last 5 months have been such a weird blur that typing out 5 months feels wrong. and yet here we are in august of 2020 and we’ve lost about half of the year to this stuff. i don’t know what to make of all of that. it’s confusing and strange and we’re all stressed out. i don’t know what day it is more often than not, i have moments where i completely space out on words and stop mid sentence and can’t get it back. lately, i get hit with the overwhelming urge to cry and i can’t stop it. because not only are we in a global pandemic, the universe has decided to remind me that mako cannot live with me forever and her time creeps up on us ever closer. my constant since i was 15 years old is going to leave my side and that’s too much to process. maybe i’ll write about it another time. for now, weekly therapy and frequent check-ins with my psych are getting me through the parts david, freckles, and my friends can’t. i’ve held hands with grief for my entire life. i know grief very, very well but i do not cope with it well. none of this has been easy and i’ve been so angry at the world for it. being in a mixed state emotionally has been a good reminder that i do indeed have bipolar and it’s not only depression and anxiety i need to deal with and manage each and every day. and boy howdy is that exhausting.

but i’m trying

I’m not good at this. That’s ok.

Hey, everyone. Back at it again here at PB&tB after far too much silence. I have multiple drafts sitting here that I’ve worked on over the last few months. A lot of ideas have been swirling around in my head, but it’s been really difficult putting those thoughts into words that I’m happy with. I often hold myself back here because I overthink things and feel like I have to put out some sort of persona that will make y’all like me more or find me more entertaining. I’ve lost sight of things, including myself, in a lot of ways. For that, I apologize. I’ll be brainstorming some ideas for what I’d like to do here in 2020 over the next few weeks so please look forward to that!

2019 is already almost over and I don’t have much of anything to show for myself here on my own website! It’s kind of embarrassing when I think about it, so I guess I avoided it entirely by not putting any work in here. I’d plan out post ideas and have topics I wanted to discuss and when the time came to work on it, I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’d be bad timing and something else came up. Or maybe I just plain forgot. Who knows. All that matters is that I wasn’t getting anything done here even though I kept talking about it and putting “work on a blog post!” notes in my planner every month.

So today I’m just going to talk to you. I’m gonna empty my thoughts and blather on until I hit whatever wall and call it then and only then. It might be a little all over the place. It’ll probably be a bummer post to some degree because the seasonal depression is kicking in. But I want to get something out there in one go. It’s 20,NOVEMBER.

Continue Reading“I’m not good at this. That’s ok.”

Whoops.

Well uh. Hey there. I definitely did not mean to not post for an ENTIRE YEAR but here we are I guess. 2018 sure was weird. I don’t know if I’m really gonna do a recap like I did last year. It’s amazing that I’m actually trying to post right now to be honest with you all. I need to put more work into this thing but I’ve just felt so unmotivated and all around sad that it’s so hard to do things that I like doing. I’ve had plenty of other things that I’ve needed to focus on. Or at least try to focus on. I dunno. I’m trying.

Let’s see… I wonder what resolutions from last year I actually accomplished! That’s a good thing to talk about.

Continue Reading“Whoops.”