experimental blogging 001

when i think about writing up a blog post, i tend to back out by the end of it. a lot of it stems from the fact that we literally can’t do anything lately due to the pandemic. honestly, i’m just depressed and writing about being miserable doesn’t sound fun. i was more concerned with what people would want to read from me rather than what i would want to get out into the universe, so i didn’t write. plus, i gotta say, proper grammar is not my favorite thing anymore. i don’t think it ever was, but i just gotta say it. fuck capitalization homey. make your own rules!

with that said, i’m going to try some experimental things around here to get my feet back in the water. maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. i won’t know until i do it.

here’s a list of things i’ve picked up during quarantine to keep busy:

  • painting
  • bullet journaling
  • learning javascript
  • coding discord bots
  • hosting minecraft servers
  • pixel art and cross stitching
  • massive fucking depression!!!
  • better organization (i’ve done a LOT of cleaning)
  • sinking 70 hours in ffvii remake to beat it the first time

these last 5 months have been such a weird blur that typing out 5 months feels wrong. and yet here we are in august of 2020 and we’ve lost about half of the year to this stuff. i don’t know what to make of all of that. it’s confusing and strange and we’re all stressed out. i don’t know what day it is more often than not, i have moments where i completely space out on words and stop mid sentence and can’t get it back. lately, i get hit with the overwhelming urge to cry and i can’t stop it. because not only are we in a global pandemic, the universe has decided to remind me that mako cannot live with me forever and her time creeps up on us ever closer. my constant since i was 15 years old is going to leave my side and that’s too much to process. maybe i’ll write about it another time. for now, weekly therapy and frequent check-ins with my psych are getting me through the parts david, freckles, and my friends can’t. i’ve held hands with grief for my entire life. i know grief very, very well but i do not cope with it well. none of this has been easy and i’ve been so angry at the world for it. being in a mixed state emotionally has been a good reminder that i do indeed have bipolar and it’s not only depression and anxiety i need to deal with and manage each and every day. and boy howdy is that exhausting.

but i’m trying

I’m not good at this. That’s ok.

Hey, everyone. Back at it again here at PB&tB after far too much silence. I have multiple drafts sitting here that I’ve worked on over the last few months. A lot of ideas have been swirling around in my head, but it’s been really difficult putting those thoughts into words that I’m happy with. I often hold myself back here because I overthink things and feel like I have to put out some sort of persona that will make y’all like me more or find me more entertaining. I’ve lost sight of things, including myself, in a lot of ways. For that, I apologize. I’ll be brainstorming some ideas for what I’d like to do here in 2020 over the next few weeks so please look forward to that!

2019 is already almost over and I don’t have much of anything to show for myself here on my own website! It’s kind of embarrassing when I think about it, so I guess I avoided it entirely by not putting any work in here. I’d plan out post ideas and have topics I wanted to discuss and when the time came to work on it, I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’d be bad timing and something else came up. Or maybe I just plain forgot. Who knows. All that matters is that I wasn’t getting anything done here even though I kept talking about it and putting “work on a blog post!” notes in my planner every month.

So today I’m just going to talk to you. I’m gonna empty my thoughts and blather on until I hit whatever wall and call it then and only then. It might be a little all over the place. It’ll probably be a bummer post to some degree because the seasonal depression is kicking in. But I want to get something out there in one go. It’s 20,NOVEMBER.

Continue Reading“I’m not good at this. That’s ok.”


Well uh. Hey there. I definitely did not mean to not post for an ENTIRE YEAR but here we are I guess. 2018 sure was weird. I don’t know if I’m really gonna do a recap like I did last year. It’s amazing that I’m actually trying to post right now to be honest with you all. I need to put more work into this thing but I’ve just felt so unmotivated and all around sad that it’s so hard to do things that I like doing. I’ve had plenty of other things that I’ve needed to focus on. Or at least try to focus on. I dunno. I’m trying.

Let’s see… I wonder what resolutions from last year I actually accomplished! That’s a good thing to talk about.

Continue Reading“Whoops.”

Happy new year! and my birthday! and hello!

Hey there~ I hope all of you have enjoyed these last few weeks! I know I’m absolutely exhausted from mine. I’ve gone from family Christmas dinner, “Christmas” at our house (we just ordered Chinese food and watched cartoons), my roommate’s birthday, a new years eve party, to my birthday in order to end up here. This is the time I can actually sit down and relax, so I hope to recover from all of these things soon. I feel absolutely stretched thin; I’m both mentally and physically drained. It’s great. 😜

2017 is actually over. That’s weird. It feels like it flew by, though some parts felt like they lasted a little too long. Looking back, I can’t even sit back and tell you everything I did over the year. It’s all such a blur; I even forgot that the kors k concert was over the summer! I knew it happened, but I couldn’t remember when until I sat down and went through all the photos on my phone…

Some highlights:

  • I started therapy and stuck with it. I feel like I’ve made some good starter progress, but I know I have a very long way to go. I’m also at a pretty good medication level, but I know that’s gonna change in the future. So many little things can be tweaked.
  • I started getting PFCs in DDR.
  • I took IIDX “seriously” for a month and didn’t keep up with it so now I’m crap at it again.
  • Had a nice aquarium date with David.
  • I made two (2) double dao plushes.
  • Uhhhhh.
  • Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
  • Found out I basically have eczema in my ears??? I haven’t had proper hearing in a YEAR because of it. My doctor thinks it’s from a medication I’m on. We have no idea what one, though.
  • Visited friends and my mom back in Indiana. Almost all of that trip sucked outside of my friends and getting my vinyl collection back home.
  • Added a hamster to our family that sadly died after a few months. 😭 I miss you, Spriggan (rejected by DJ Yoshitaka -try to sing ver.-).
  • Uhhhhh.
  • Solidified some pretty cool friendships.
  • Celebrated our three year anniversary!
  • We saw Ninja Sex Party!
  • Plenty of other things that you can see over here!

Continue Reading“Happy new year! and my birthday! and hello!”

We’re back!

I’ve been knitting and reading since finishing the double dao plush! Nice and relaxing.

Hey everyone! Long time no see! Maybe? All I know is that we’re finally live again and I’m really excited about that. Thanks for being patient with me as I moved from Blogger to WordPress! This has been a mess and a half to finish; the formatting on the Blogger posts was so, so, so bad. I ended up having to remove it all and start from scratch as I was uploading my photos to the new host! Ugh. So much work.

The transfer was actually fun, though! It was a great learning experience and got me back into the swing of HTML and CSS work. I used to be absolutely obsessed with learning both back in my Neopets and Xanga days… These plugins are fun! WordPress is fun! There is so much more to tweak and play with here. I feel a little silly for not picking this first, but I was lazy. Thanks, Google.

I wanna thank Brooke for helping me design things yet again. She’s so great to work with! I definitely recommend checking her out for any future design or editing jobs! See, I can say nice things about you when we’re not voice chatting. 😈

How are you all? Hopefully you’ve been well. Tell me what you’ve been up to! Things have been, well, things here. I’ll get into that stuff later, though. Right now, I just wanna feel relieved that this is over! I’m still busy as always. Finishing one project leads me to a new one and then another one and so on… It’s good that I like doing this.

I know I’ve been absolutely terrible with keeping up on my Twitter and Facebook presence. I’m trying to change that! At least when it comes to Twitter. I’m way better at that, I’d say. Which is better for you to keep up with my posts? Please let me know! I’m not very fond of Facebook, but if it’s the best way to get it to you… I can do it.

To keep this short and sweet, I’ll just photo dump some of the things I’ve been up to! ♥