So uh… heeey there~ I know I haven’t been taking good care of this blog or anything related to it in general, but it feels like I’m really dragging ass on it more than before. Sorry about that, haha. 😰 (Edit: this post actually took me a full week to complete… oops!)
To get back into the swing of writing here, let’s do a little update on how I’m doing!
I’m well over halfway done with my post about X Japan; I just feel incredibly insecure about it. There’s something about putting everything down on both history and my personal feelings about them that makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable. Hopefully that will pass soon. I wanted to get that post live months ago. I’m not meeting my own deadlines and that’s really stressful. The more time that passes since my last completed project, the harder it is to feel like I can do another one. My motivation is fleeting and I’m slowly learning diligence to force myself through it because I know I’ll feel better once it’s done. Baby steps for the time being, though. I’ll get there.
I think my confidence in general is lacking. I don’t feel secure in my identity at the moment because I’m seeing what I know I am. I want my hair cut and dyed. I’m working on getting my skin to clear up. I’ve had enough strange rashes over the last few months that I never want to see one again. I’ve cried enough over these breakouts, haha.
Speaking of getting better, I’ve made a pretty solid step into my never ending mental health recovery journey! Wellbutrin seems to be a good addition to my mood stabilizer. Medication isn’t a cure-all, but I’ve definitely noticed a positive change in my overall mood. I still very obviously have my bad days, or Really Great days due to manic bursts from heck, but it’s a good step forward. Since I’m able to notice it, I feel like that says something. I’ve had times when I’ve asked people if they noticed any changes and I absolutely cannot understand that they meant.
On top of that, I’ve found a therapist that seems to be really good for me! Natalie got on my case about finding a new one because it’s good to have and I can benefit greatly from working with someone. We’re still going through the intake process, but I feel pretty comfortable with her so far. I’ve come to realize that my time with Judy in Indiana wasn’t so much about moving forward as it was talking to a friend and learning self awareness. That sorta makes me sad because I didn’t have a whole lot of progress outside of that. I learned how to discuss these things without having a breakdown when I absolutely need to and have a very indepth understanding of what my diagnosis means. It’s helpful and sorta screws me over seeing as the first therapist I saw here subtly accused me of faking everything. Whitney seems to appreciate how to the point I can be. I like that. I see her again soon!
The weather’s getting warmer and I’m getting close to starting our garden. We’re making the house more comfortable. My craft supplies are in pretty good stock for the most part, though I would really like a dedicated work table… It’s stressful having to use the dining room table all the time! I’d like to go back to actually eating there for quality time.
David and I have more time to spend together which is incredibly welcome. For awhile, it was sort of a struggle due to all the video editing and whatever work I was doing at the time. How I can’t remember what I was doing, I don’t know! Honestly, as hard as January was for me, this year isn’t too bad for me so far. My romantic relationship is strong and my platonic relationships are getting better every day. Getting closer to people is fucking terrifying sometimes, but I have some really good people in my life and I’m really thankful for that.
I’ve been playing a lot more DDR lately as well. I had some pretty decent luck with X3 for awhile, but the grading system made it really hard to be objective about how I’ve been growing. Bad grades and scores for low digit greats just didn’t feel right. It really made me feel like I was regressing even though I knew I was improving! Heck right the fuck off, X3. Then we tried stepmania! That way, we could practice the new A songs and feel more prepared. The downfall of that is the fact that the timing windows are off no matter what we tried. I thought I was really improving until I realized I couldn’t actually time on official mixes. I was so disappointed in myself. I still am somewhat because of it, but that’s due to my struggles with readjusting to the timing I actually need to have. I’m getting it back slowly. I was able to get a new AAA just the other day!
1 fucken FINALLY— kalu (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ (@kuwabaras_) April 15, 2017
2 haha..... nice..... pic.twitter.com/9sVOQv6fqm
I’m really happy about that. I can definitely clean up that score, but it felt so good to be able to see my efforts paying off again. As I’m working on getting that timing back, I’m also back to working on my stamina, general form, and the usual techniques. I properly execute crossovers sometimes! I generally have to be facing left to do down arrow to up arrow, but that’s actual process. Knowing I can pull this off occasionally keeps me trying as hard as I can. My problem is not remembering when they come up or what foot to start with. Sight-reading is one thing, but this just feels silly. I have very few charts that I have mostly memorized! So much to work on, but at least I have a great coach. 😉
That about wraps it up for my life lately! Keeping up with the gym, DDR, recovery, and working. Big busy boy over here! I hope I can get myself fully back on track. This life stuff is pretty hard.
How are you doing? I hope all is well. Leave a comment or hit me up on twitter if you’d like! I like hearing from everyone. ♥