I’m not good at this. That’s ok.

Hey, everyone. Back at it again here at PB&tB after far too much silence. I have multiple drafts sitting here that I’ve worked on over the last few months. A lot of ideas have been swirling around in my head, but it’s been really difficult putting those thoughts into words that I’m happy with. I often hold myself back here because I overthink things and feel like I have to put out some sort of persona that will make y’all like me more or find me more entertaining. I’ve lost sight of things, including myself, in a lot of ways. For that, I apologize. I’ll be brainstorming some ideas for what I’d like to do here in 2020 over the next few weeks so please look forward to that!

2019 is already almost over and I don’t have much of anything to show for myself here on my own website! It’s kind of embarrassing when I think about it, so I guess I avoided it entirely by not putting any work in here. I’d plan out post ideas and have topics I wanted to discuss and when the time came to work on it, I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’d be bad timing and something else came up. Or maybe I just plain forgot. Who knows. All that matters is that I wasn’t getting anything done here even though I kept talking about it and putting “work on a blog post!” notes in my planner every month.

So today I’m just going to talk to you. I’m gonna empty my thoughts and blather on until I hit whatever wall and call it then and only then. It might be a little all over the place. It’ll probably be a bummer post to some degree because the seasonal depression is kicking in. But I want to get something out there in one go. It’s 20,NOVEMBER.

When’s the last time you deep cleaned something? Last time you sorted through your belongings to set aside things you no longer want or need to donate them? How about the last time you cleaned up your downloads folder? This is something I’ve been doing for the last few weeks to declutter my head and home. Yes, even the downloads folder. Spooky, I know. All of November has been about cleaning and bettering for us here and we’ve done A LOT:

  • Replaced our computer desks. I now have an l-shaped desk for the first time! That also means I completely cleaned out my drawers and organized my things to optimize things better. Put some stuff I don’t use in some donation bags.
  • Moved the living room couch to open up the room more and replaced the area rug.
  • Swapped other furniture around in the dining room.
  • Sorted my clothes and found a bunch to part with. It was the first time in months that I’ve put my clothes away after washing them. 😅 They’ve just been sitting in a basket!
  • Finally put win10 on my laptop and desktop after years of being lazy and stubborn. I’ve been cleaning up folders and organizing files better with the change and there’s still quite a lot to do on that front.
  • Deleted files from my phone that I didn’t need! You can actually do that! Not even for the space, but because it felt good to get rid of stuff I didn’t need!
  • Replaced some things around the house and started filling things in decor-wise as well.

It’s been busy! A very productive and helpful kind of busy that I welcome for once. I’m feeling lighter the more I work though these things, though I keep finding more and more I can do this with so it feels like it’s never going to end. I know it will. There’s just a lot of low hanging fruit to navigate and rip hits of serotonin from. I hope by the end of it, I can make peace with myself in a way that I’m hoping for. What am I hoping for, though?

I haven’t even fully thought that far ahead to be honest with you. I have the general ideas. I want to feel more centered; to have a better grasp of who I am and what I want to focus on with myself and my life. I want to have more of an understanding of what I want to keep around that makes me happy and see what things in my life I’m ready to let go of and move on from. The details? I don’t have ’em. I don’t think I need them to continue doing this stuff. They’ll come to me as I work. I just need to keep doing it.

I wish I could say I simply woke up one day and decided it was time to start cleaning up and it was dandy, but it’s not that simple. Well, maybe it is simple. I had a ridiculously bad panic attack and decided it was time to get my shit together. In theory, that’s pretty damn simple.

It’s weird having a panic attack so bad that you continue having it for a few days after. Having to cancel plans and rest on the floor because it’s the only place that feels stable when you’re dissociating and can’t feel your body. To go from having a conversation with someone about your best friend and then not even 30 minutes later be asking the friend in question for reassurance that they still like you and care because suddenly you don’t know if they do and you don’t know why. It’s weird having to sit down and admit to not being well whatsoever and that things are worse than you thought because you genuinely didn’t think you were that bad until that panic attack showed up and made you look like a complete fool. It really puts you in your place. And then you feel lost. Like a failure. You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror very well. It’s hard to bounce back sometimes.

I know that things have been stressful lately not just for myself but for those around me and I have a tendency to put my issues on hold to help others and that probably caught up to me. Not the greatest habit to have, so it’s something I need to be working on. Part of working on this stuff was the idea of grounding myself and letting go of things I don’t need anymore. That way, I can see what I need to focus on. That’s the gist of it at least. Not as simple anymore.

Letting go is such a weird thing, too. I noticed I was holding on to clothes that didn’t fit me properly anymore, things I bought and then never wore, and things I just didn’t care to wear anymore. I decided now was the time to let ’em all go and put them in a donation bag. It created such a good, calm feeling within me. How was it so easy? I tried it with other things to see if I could keep it going. I started to realize that I wasn’t just letting go of the items, but I was letting go of the emotions tied to them as well. For old things I decided to part with, it’s like closing a chapter in my life. So not only have I been emptying space in my house, I’ve been clearing space in my my mind and letting myself move forward. It’s a wild feeling and it has taken a lot of trial and error to get here.

So, the last few weeks have been busy with all of this stuff. I’ve been working with my therapist and psychiatrist while I do this to keep me safe and on the right track and it’s feeling good so far. I’m lucky to have such a great team to work with. I had a therapy session yesterday and we ended it with the idea of starting a gratitude journal. She said it can help keep me more mentally present since I have a problem with disconnecting. I’m probably going to do some research for ideas and to see how other people look at doing gratitude logging to see how it can help me best. It’s been something I’ve considered in the past but never actually followed through with it, so I’m kinda looking forward to putting some effort into this.

By the end of the day, I’m not really ok, but I do know that I’m getting better. It just takes time. I’m better equipped to get through episodes like this and have both plans and support. That’s pretty cool. I know now that the last few weeks aren’t just a quirky and cute cleaning phase and that I really am putting in intense work into myself and everything around me. It’s serious character development time. 😂

I think I’m out of steam now so I’ll see y’all next post. ♥ Thanks for sticking around.