when i think about writing up a blog post, i tend to back out by the end of it. a lot of it stems from the fact that we literally can’t do anything lately due to the pandemic. honestly, i’m just depressed and writing about being miserable doesn’t sound fun. i was more concerned with what people would want to read from me rather than what i would want to get out into the universe, so i didn’t write. plus, i gotta say, proper grammar is not my favorite thing anymore. i don’t think it ever was, but i just gotta say it. fuck capitalization homey. make your own rules!
with that said, i’m going to try some experimental things around here to get my feet back in the water. maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. i won’t know until i do it.
here’s a list of things i’ve picked up during quarantine to keep busy:
- bullet journaling
- coding discord bots
- hosting minecraft servers
- pixel art and cross stitching
- massive fucking depression!!!
- better organization (i’ve done a LOT of cleaning)
- sinking 70 hours in ffvii remake to beat it the first time
these last 5 months have been such a weird blur that typing out 5 months feels wrong. and yet here we are in august of 2020 and we’ve lost about half of the year to this stuff. i don’t know what to make of all of that. it’s confusing and strange and we’re all stressed out. i don’t know what day it is more often than not, i have moments where i completely space out on words and stop mid sentence and can’t get it back. lately, i get hit with the overwhelming urge to cry and i can’t stop it. because not only are we in a global pandemic, the universe has decided to remind me that mako cannot live with me forever and her time creeps up on us ever closer. my constant since i was 15 years old is going to leave my side and that’s too much to process. maybe i’ll write about it another time. for now, weekly therapy and frequent check-ins with my psych are getting me through the parts david, freckles, and my friends can’t. i’ve held hands with grief for my entire life. i know grief very, very well but i do not cope with it well. none of this has been easy and i’ve been so angry at the world for it. being in a mixed state emotionally has been a good reminder that i do indeed have bipolar and it’s not only depression and anxiety i need to deal with and manage each and every day. and boy howdy is that exhausting.
but i’m trying