experimental blogging 002

a conversation with myself at 3am because it only makes sense to be introspective at this hour anymore:

i feel more and more confident about deleting my old [twitter account] as time goes by because i’m able to spend less time on this stupid fucken site cos i’m not caught up in weird twitter mind games and have rebuilt boundaries for myself so it’s cool

with how batshit i’ve been feeling lately it’s good to know that i can still make good choices for myself i guess??? i feel like i’m going crazy some days but i’m still trying my best. freeing myself from my own self imposed responsibilities/expectations is a trip

like when i restarted my animal crossing save LOL i felt so much better about playing and felt in control of my experience again. remaking accounts is like cutting ties to things i’ve felt were smothering me

for as fucking miserable i have felt on top of this still going strong mixed state, i’m doing a lot and i’d rather be doing a lot than nothing at all even if this cannot even remotely be sustained

being 30 with bipolar is weird

for the record though, mixed states literally feel like a stereotypical thing of like… if you were to be power walking with your head held high but also grossly sobbing without making a sound because oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day wahoo

i don’t look or act as depressed as i can feel and it’s fucking really unnerving lmfao my emotional responses are pretty out of whack

but i also gotta say that the imposter syndrome gets to some really excessive levels of “oh no” because of all this. the mania makes me functional to a point and it’s enough to make me question if i really have problems. i question good days, i question all feelings, it sucks

this has been a very long 6 months of strange detachment from the world and myself. even when i feel like i feel nothing at all, i feel grief every day. i carry it with me, in my knees probably, at all hours. grief’s in my elbows and behind my eyes. already in mourning for my dog because i know what’s gonna happen soon. my life revolves around my girls, it’s impossible to picture my life without them.

more grief, maybe in my right hand this time. i’ve watched my best friend slowly deteriorate over the last 6 months and it’s a pain i can’t explain. but i’m thankful to have this time with her with david, freckles, and nanaki.

it’s 3am on august 23rd. it took 4 months to see that the 7 remake is out the year i lose my little mako. cloud and the gang are here again to get me through this. there’s too much to say about that game so i won’t get into it in this post, but it’s something i’ve considered diving into. thanks, cloud.